Saturday, February 14, 2015

A Story To Tell

ISo here I am writing one of the hardest post ever. 
And before I forgot to mention it...

"Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstances."

Valentine's day is indeed very special to me. This is why I love February, not only because that it's the month of my birthday but it's the month full of love - full of emotions.

I am very grateful of my life, and there is no doubt about it. I am very grateful of my family, my friends and every one that care about me and I care the most. They have been a great support for me and my dreams. I have a lot of dreams and I'm very passionate about it. I may not have what people called as a perfect life, but my life is perfect to me. I believe that this is what God wants me to have and that this is the best life I truly deserve. I feel really blessed, For the past years there are many opportunities that have come my way, a lot of happy moments, and a lot of laughs that I would cherish for the rest of my life.

My life has been a long journey and this post alone took a few years of gathering all of my courage to share it with you. Recently, I've been feeling anxious and really nervous about certain things. And honestly, putting my self out there may have been the best thing and the worst thing at the same time. But overall, I'm learning a lot, gaining so much more confidence even though sometimes I feel the anxiety and have experienced panic attack for couple of times.

But living life is like a wheel, sometimes you're up and sometimes you're down. Sometimes you have the happy moments but sometimes you have the not so happy moments. Believe it or not, even though I'm only 20. I've been through a lot of things. Had nothing and everything. Losing and loving. Thus, I would love to share some of my story. But remember,

no matter what your life problem is, life is what you make out of it. Get through it with an open mind, positive thinking, and optimism. Hopefully, you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel<3

Actually I plan to save this for my book, because one of my dreams is to have my own book full of inspirational stories. But you see, you will never know what happen in the future, and I just think that pouring my heart on this special day won't hurt.

And I'm kind of scared to post this because I don't want people to think I'm this or that. I honestly, don't care what people may think but just FYI. I genuinely want to share this with you and nothing more. I want you to know that if you're having a rough time, the time will pass anyway. And everything will be OK.

It's a short story of a very long journey.
Here goes nothing, after all everything that is in the past is in the past and it's part of us, part of what makes us who we are today, it's the truth...

I love my mom for so many different reason, I am close to my family for so many different reason and I cherish them for so many different reason too. One of the reason is for what happened after a couple of years I was born.

18 years ago... I was almost 2 when the doctor suggested my mom to held a general check up for me. There I was, diagnosed with a tumor with the size of a soya bean on my right lungs. It was a malignant tumor called, Neuroblastoma. My mom was pretty shocked, and who doesn't? when your child was doagnosed with a pretty scary thing. Oh shit... this post is going to make me cry. Mom, know that I admire your strength and your love for me. Kay with me holding up my tears, let's continue this post... Operation sounded very scary at that time, and the doctor said it was a common thing, as in it happened to many 2 years old kids around the world. And, I was one of them. My mom went to see 5 different doctors hoping to hear that it was a misunderstanding or there is other way of getting rid of the tumor without operation and chemo. 2 out of the 5 doctors said that it could be gone with alternative medication and therapy. So, the whole family tries different alternatives from acupuncture to 'jamu' which is a Javanese traditional drinks. Hi, I'm a Javanese btw :) but right when my birthday was just around the corner -  which was just a few months after the first diagnosed, I got checked up again and there was no good news, the tumor didn't vanished, it was... well... it grew to the size of a tennis ball. And in 1997 the big holiday for the Muslims in Indonesia which is 'Hari Raya Lebaran' fell four days after my birthday, so there was nothing we could do other than pray therefore I could still be able to be operated after the Lebaran day. This was because the preparation for the whole thing takes time and a lot of doctors were already on leave.

Here is a little description of Neuroblastoma: 
Neuroblastoma (NB) is the most common extracranial solid cancer in childhood and the most common cancer in infancy, with an incidence of about six hundred and fifty cases per year in the U.S., and a hundred cases per year in the UK Nearly half of neuroblastoma cases occur in children younger than two years. It is a neuroendocrine tumor, arising from any neural crest element of the sympathetic nervous system (SNS). It most frequently originates in one of the adrenal glands, but can also develop in nerve tissues in the neck, chest, abdomen, or pelvis.

So, I supposed I had my birthday... we went thru Lebaran and then...

14 February 1997
I had my operation, Hello Valentine's day! It was, indeed, full of love. Love from my family, and the extraordinary care from the doctors, but most of all from my mom who accompanied me in the ICU. She stayed right by my side every second, with all the wires that went through my body. I had.. uhm.. I don't know how many stitches but it was from the middle of my chest, to the middle back of my back bone. Half of my body. Due to that I wasn't able to do so many things and mostly helped by the body fluids from another cut on the side of my back.
Thank god, I had the biggest miracle of my life, the operation went well, and the tumor was still in its membrane so it wasn't spreading to other parts or organs. However, due to the cut on the right side, one of my nerve is not functioning well. It caused me not being able to sweat on the right side of my body.
Shortly after the surgery, I went to Amsterdam for chemotherapy and in chemo, not everyone could stand the pressure. I had radiation everyday. I lost my hair, and I got really skinny. It wasn't the perfect childhood, due to the tumor and personal things. But god gives me a second chance in life, I survived chemo. A week before I was done with the chemo therapy and after a month in Amsterdam - AMC, I was suggested by the doctor to walk around the city so I could catch the fresh air. There was I, breathing the fresh air, my brand new life, saw the sun. Now that I look back, I feel like it was my light at the end of the tunnel. My second chance to make my dreams happen. Make my life be the happiest it could ever be. Tears flowing...
All the beautiful things that life could offer and my mom's love, motivates and inspires me... until this time. I'm now inshaAllah healthy. My grandmother helped me grew my hair even thicker and black-er than it was before, with the help of aloe vera and celery oh and tea too! Now I can look back and see what a journey and lesson it was. I'm now more acceptable and able to get this feelings and emotions out of my chest. I'm glad that I had the tumor. I became more open minded, more positive, and I know what's good and what's bad for me. What is love and what is not being happy like. What is it like be loved and what is it like to feel like you're nothing at the same time. It makes me realize that my problem is so small compare to the world, compare to the universe. That god can do anything. And you will never know what will it be, when will it be. Life IS full of surprises and unexpected things. You just have to roll with it, make it work, pray A LOT and have faith. Believe in yourself, your loved ones and most importantly, GOD. He knows what's best, and when is the right time. Trust Him.

Why I'm telling you this is because the scar from everything that happened is on my body. It's in my mind, I must live with it, just like my pasts, it is part of my life. And I know some of you may have scar, whether it's from a medical reason. or just a scar in your heart caused by someone you love. Either way... you may not know this yet but know that...


So don't look down on yourself, and never give up! I always remind myself of what I've been through, to keep me sane and humble. This works every time I feel like I'm useless or not worth it. I remind myself that I am worth it, that is why god wants me to stay alive until this second. Every one of us is worth it, everyone of us is useful. It may not be something you thought before because life is a journey, a journey to find yourself, find what you're passionate about, find your own happiness. Your own story. But if life doesn't go according to your plan, then fuck it, fuck the plan and just live your life. You may be the happiest you could ever be.

If you think that I'm brave enough to ever post this post, no I'll never be, but I am a survivor. Even though some people may think this is a flaw, I think this is life. And all I want is for people who loves me and I love, know that I want them to love me for who I am, understands me and accept my flaws. When you start accepting yourself and loving you for who you are, nothing can hurt you. And all this flaws will turn you into a flawless person.
And if you think that I'm just a lucky girl, yes I am, I'm very much lucky. But mostly, I'm blessed. I am blessed with a GREAT SUPPORT, and blessed with another life.
I am blessed with my life because of the effort and hard work I put into it. But, I will never stop to working hard, and make my life better. Make my dreams come true.
Believe me, it's important to have a dream, something you're looking forward to. Something that keeps you going.
Because life doesn't stop until this story, my life continues, some experiences are more bitter than the sweet. And when that happen, you need to be strong. For yourself and your loved ones. I could never imagine my life without my family, especially my mom. She's a big part of my life. It's important to have someone that you can tell everything to and not just keep it in your heart or your mind.
Thus, you can keep thriving and be so happy. Being happy is one of the key of life along with how you rise above all the struggle. 

And in this special day, I'd love to say...

I love you, there is nothing I could ever do to repay all your love and sacrifice for me, all I could do is be here for you, love you, and make you happy.

Stay Stylish,

p.s: always remember to love yourself first. and don't be scared because you are never alone, god is with you.


  1. Thank u my dearest Kaka…

    Please never stop believing in yourself, just go forth and aim for the skies.

    I am proud to see you living not only your dreams, but mine too.

    You have grown up from a cute little girl to a beautiful young woman… but you will forever be the loving daughter that you’ve always been. My delightful little diva forever.

    I love you more Kaka Thaya xoxo ��❤️������

  2. You are a survivor indeed ��.god bless you