Saturday, December 09, 2017

Loved and Lost. Vol. II

For the people that I've had the pleasure of knowing. For the people that are experiencing life with me. This is not an end to anything, just simply an update of another chapter in my life. -

Dear Y,
You are the strongest you've ever been this year. What you did, I could never think I would be able to. You should be proud of yourself, don't be too hard on yourself. Your guardian angel is up there, looking over you and proud of how far you've come. I admire the way you prioritize your life, how discipline you are to be the best ideal version of yourself. Forget all the worldly things - it might be yours or it might not, but the most important thing is that you're aware that all the best efforts you're putting in right now, will come into fruition once everything comes in full circle. Just be there for your family, for yourself, we're here for you. Always. You got this!

Dear G,
I wouldn't lie, but your 'kinfolk' style and finding out that you're a soulection head too, draws me into you more than I thought I would. But of course only after I heard about your life story, your childhood and how you are with your family. How sensitive and kindhearted you are to everyone, even my friends. When you went out with my best friends without me, to me, it was a big deal. Another thing is the fact that I can be myself with you, I can just call you out of the blue and vent. I needed that, more than anything. To feel that comfortable with someone. I guess it's because how you treated me. You treated me and make me feel like a goddess. You takes care of me, even if you don't have to. If you could've been a little bit more patient. If you'd wait until I'm back, if you stay the same throughout my healing process, if you'd just understand my position - where I'm at in my life... maybe everything would've been different now. But then again, I'm aware that I was selfish.You were the most decent person I've ever encountered this year. Maybe that's why, I'd rather be hurt by other people than to have you, a kind kind soul hurt me.. Maybe that's why I wanted to take it slow, take my time to be healed so I could be with you as a whole. Maybe it was wrong of me to do that, maybe we should've just experience life together. But, I just don't want to get into another relationship - any kinds of relationship, feeling hurt from the previous ones, feeling worthless, feeling unappreciated and feeling broken. You entered my life, right when the wounds are still fresh. You tried to heal it, you tried to be there for me, did everything in your power to make me happy, to treat me like a queen. But, I could never reciprocate your kindrness as genuine as you did to me if I can't even be kind to myself. I was hurting the two of us, so I backed off. It was mature of you, to still pick the phone after what I did, what I said. It was mature of you to still want to help me. It was mature of you to still care about my future. A person like you deserve all the happiness in the world.

Dear F,
To be completely honest, I didn't know what I was walking in to when I agreed to meet you that night. We've only been talking for a while and how it got started was not normal. What is normal right? nothing about us was. It was not usual of me, to do what I did, but we both know what made it happened. Worst, I got tongue tied when I'm with you I told you that; lost of words, don't know how to form sentences together, don't know what language to use, all I wanted to do is do the unspeakable with you, no words, just action. But we needed the words, we needed the talk, we needed to finish the unfinished conversations. I knew what I signed up for, we talked about our intentions and it felt good. I appreciate you and am grateful for what happened, we had a good run, and to meet someone that have the same drive as me was amazing. I think we're more similar than we thought; we made talking about something bizarre felt like a breeze; because we agree on most things, and those silence moments are not awkward to me - it feels comfortable. I was just disappointed by the way you treated me as a person, you obviously evoked so many emotions in me but we're only going to talk about some turning points. When you flaked on me for the sixth time, I needed time prepare myself to see you or talk to you again. However by the time, I was ready, by the time I was healed, I think you were over it, which is fine, it's your rights to feel that way. It's also my rights to take five whole months to heal. Yes, three months to lose myself trying to show you parts of me, lose myself to whatever it was, lose myself feeling unappreciated and not respected, lose myself forgetting my worth in an unhealthy way because I think I wasn't good enough, lose myself thinking that something so precious is actually a flaw when it's not, and lose myself trying to show you that I'm not gonna be just another number. Then, five months to put myself back together. Do you wanna know something? I knew it was over, when you walked away from my place. That's when I lost it. I gave in, I was done with you flaking, I was done trying to understand, I was done over thinking and making assumptions, I was done feeling insecure. And when you were in town, I had to prepare myself for every scenario. Plan A, B, C, D like how you taught me... which made me feel more at ease; I knew more of myself then, I learnt more about myself. You might think 'what the hell is this...' well,I know right. Then you told me when we had that impromptu dinner; there are some things you don't like about me, but have you ever think there are also some things I didn't like about you? I don't care though, that's my fault, I tend to accept people for who they are and like them as they are. All I care about was you. Your health, your mind, your work, your friends, your family, your freedom. You may think that I act like I wasn't excited to see you or that I didn't miss you, the fact is the space and the slow pace was intended so that I won't be falling to the same hole again. Just making sure, I'm acting and saying things that would be good for my mental health. You're entitled to your opinion and oh my, how curious I am to know about your perspective and your thoughts process. But, again, you flaked, I feel like even my time didn't mean anything to you, that's when I realized your purpose in my life and that it has timer. The timer stops when I made peace with the situations, with the fact that there won't be any clarity, there won't be any closure. It's making mefeel uneasy to know there won't be any of it, but nothing I can do unless both of us wants it to happen. As a person, I think you're pretty solid, you know what you want, what you need. I'm so happy that you found the head space that you needed, I'm so happy to see you flow with this new energy, you're a great person, you are... just not to me. Which again, is your right to do so, you don't owe me anything. And I'm so excited to see you succeed in life and be the great person, I know you could. I want to see you happy and healthy, I'm happy to see you have  an impeccable support system behind you. I'm glad you've came into my life when I needed someone like you to remind me about my purpose, about my intention to take care of myself better. I could only hope, I served my purpose in your life, whatever it may be. There are so many other things I'd like to say about you and how fond I am about the memories, everything that we went through, all the music, and how addicting it was, all the conversations we had... but I want to be selfish and keep it all to myself. For everything that you did, you know I appreciate you right?

Dear C,
You pretty little thing, you shall not worry about what other people say, think or how they see you. You are beautiful, beautiful, kind human being. You got the world in your hands. All you have to do is be confident. Other women's beauty is not the absence of your own, sweetheart. I care for you like my little sister. I care for you like I never want anyone to hurt you. My tough love is only for your own good. You have to learn how there is such thing as constructive criticism and you have to listen. I can see you grow into a wonderful young lady, eventually a good woman. Just make sure you don't get carried away with life's pleasure. You have to know your boundaries, what's good and what's not. I still got a lot to learn, and you have more. Think about the consequences, think the long term and know that not everyone have good intentions towards you. Baby girl, again, you got the whole world in the palm of your hand. You can  do whatever you want as long as you put your mind into it.

Dear N,
So I was surprised how you found me. I was glad that you talked to me tho, it was a cute lil surprise and timing is everything, it was perfect. Believe it or not, I've kept my eyes on you ever since mid last year. It was what you do that got me mesmerized. Way before I know I could ever get close to you. Then I got to know you and I truly enjoy your company, everything just flows - there has never been a bad convo with you. I feel hyper whenever we're texting, and it got me so excited talking to you just because you open my mind to so many things and it feels amazing! And then you noticed me for some reason, I still would love to know how btw. Afterwards, we realized all the countless things we're into, the same opinion, similar bucket lists. I seriously thought we could've make something out of this - you're into everything I'm into, we talk the same language. But something is missing, and I realized that this one thing is not replaceable - we could plant the seed and it could grow but it would take time. For some reason, we didn't have time. Partly because I think you jumped into the conclusion just because I think you're not used to how I am, where I was coming from. I was so excited for our lil plans but it never happened the way we talked it would. And then you know the rest, I bet you know more than I do... We became friends though, which I will treasure forever that's why I got you that lil thing - once I got there I remembered you, and wanted to got you something so yea, I really hope you keep it. This is my side of the story that I would like for you to know. I wish that you get all of your bucket lists (which you're already getting) and be SO GOOD in everything that you do, because you got it.

Stay Stylish,

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