Saturday, September 02, 2017

MAY in September

I honestly, don't know where to start.
Let's be honest, I can't be completely open to you.

Because...well one, everything links up with one another, I've learned from my past and am still trying to be a better version of myself. It is impossible to tell you everything... not now at least. Second, it's too personal that not everyone would be willing to understand and I've learned that everyone would see things from their perspective. Which is fine, but it brings us to the last thing, that even if I tell you 'everything' it's still half of the half.

But, here's what I can promise you - it's based on true story, my story.

May -

April ended on a high note, you can tell I was happy. I was happy because of something and someone (not because of me).

May started with an excitement because I was going back home for my brother's birthday. Whatever there were in class I couldn't care less, my mind was already in Jakarta.

That weekend I got litty celebrating my brother's birthday at a 143's event - LA's very own R&B party visited Jakarta, and it was one long fun night. I broke my heels, so there's that.

After an amazing weekend, I went back to the normal pace of things. Having classes, and uni things in all its glory - counting down to finals in less than a month.

However, I... I feel like I was at a stagnant place, that week in particular went form 100 to ...0, all of a sudden. I couldn't remember but there may have been a retrograde happening but hey, let's not blame the mercury.

I felt like I was lost, like I didn't know my priorities or what's good for me anymore. What I knew was, I wasn't as self sufficient as I was before.

I stopped calling my family, which made my grandma worried and my brother told me how sad my mother was. This happens for around two weeks plus which was crazy considering I talk to my family almost everyday.

Here's when things gets real. Remember everything happens for a reason, hence why they always comes in full circle.


For some, going to a therapy might be an indication that the person have some screw loose in his brain, depressed or troublesome. But to me, it's an indication of maturing - knowing that it could get better, and it would. Realizing that there is a problem and taking action to fix it. So, I went. To therapy. Not many know this, not keeping it a secret either, I just don't think I want more people involve in my life. That's exactly what I did, I disconnect. I tried to balance my time with people and with my own solitude. Ended up loving my solitude instead, enjoying my peace of mind... on my own - shutting down the noise from external (people, and environment) and internal (my thoughts). I was looking everywhere for happiness, for a peace of mind, for validation, for something stable, for love... when I should've been seeking within me.

The therapy made me re-learned meditation, what methods suits me best and what I need to focus on.

Here's some I'd share with you:
1. What I want to think - something is better than nothing, happy thoughts and prioritize
2. What I want to feel - appreciated, lovely, confident and respected.
3. What I want to act - call home more often, become more grateful, expect less and lessen my overthinking habit.

I wrote it down on a piece of paper, got a lil bit creative with it and put it next to my door so it would remind me every time I step out of my room.
Inspired by the book and documentary, The secret (you should check it out, if you haven't already).


I realized that everything is in my head - assumptions, worries and fear.
Here's what I found out, I'm the passionate type - the type that can't do things half ass.
So when my effort is not being reciprocated, I fall back. But then I learned that that's just my expectations of people - which at that time I couldn't say it out loud. However, it simply gave me a confirmation to continue stop forcing energy.

Well, long story short here's what I learned throughout May:

Communicate your feelings. Regardless if you think it still matters or not or whether someone cares or not.

Expect less. Do it because it's in your heart not because you expect something in return. What ever it may be.

Everyone have their own rights to do whatever they feel right. They don't owe you a text message, a phone call or an explanation. If you need it, ask for it.

With that being said, do what feels right according to you. Trust your intuition, your instinct. Feel it.

It is totally fine to be vulnerable. In fact, I suggest you to be vulnerable and stay in touch with your feelings.

It's all in your head - nothing is wrong, unless you or that person bring it up.

Don't look for confirmation on social media, don't try to add things up. Social media helps connects the dots, but I swear it will drive you to overthinking and damn, overthinking is toxic.

Trust issues is there for a reason. Some people are just curious, they don't care.

Stay selective. Selective of what you tell people, whom you get vulnerable with and what you allow in your life.

It's always the right person at the right time. God order your steps, He order the steps of those who comes into your life. It's for you to learn - learn from your experience with that person and from their mistakes. The universe has its own way of telling us what's right for us and what we needed at that time.

Have some self control. Take a step back, take a deep breath, relax. Make sure it is good for you.

Give space. For yourself, too. But not too much. Everything that is too much is never good.

Know your patterns. Change is always good.

Enjoy the uncertainty. Sometimes things doesn't have to be certain to bring happiness, enjoy the moment.

It's ain't nothing but a number.

Enjoy it while it lasts - you'd never know when it's going to be the last time.

Be prepared. From not getting a text back to having to talk about something you're not comfortable with. Nonetheless, always keep it real no matter how harsh the truth is. Point is, you should know all the consequences before going into anything.

Things gets harder before you level up. Pain and disappointment brings you closer to what's meant for you. It will show you what and who you deserve and what you should avoid. Just like any growth, you can't be ready for it.

See things as they are, not what it could be or you think it is. Some things are just meant to be one thing and not more.

...last but not least: Letting go doesn't come naturally to me, but sometimes letting go is a blessing. Practice it.

Stay Stylish,

All of this and what's coming in the next month have taught me more about myself, my worth, how to love myself and take care of myself.

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